Alone time. I have virtually none. It has been a bit difficult lately to excuse myself politely in order to blog about sex. I, thus, apologise for my prolonged absence. I shall now move on to the story I wrote about two weeks ago but didn’t have time to edit and post. It has now been edited under my anal scrutiny, but please do let me know if I have missed something. I know you will because most of you are like me and detest spelling and grammatical errors. Anyway, on with the post …
Exams. They’re terrible. Even neglecting my hobby of sharing stories with you all for nearly a month wasn’t enough to get the result I wanted. To be fair I did replace my hobby of writing about sex to just having consistent sex with one person so they’re just different degrees of distraction I suppose. I passed my exams though, so I’ll be welcomed back through the gates of my college once more in a couple of months.
Moving. Perhaps even more terrible than exams. We all have to do it, and yet it seems to catch everybody by surprise. After day upon day of drunken, post-exams debauchery, we’re still reminded once more that for the next three to four months we will lack the kind of independence we’ve held so dear during term time, instead watching mum and dad pack that independence into their people carrier somewhere between your duvet and desk lamp.
Home. Not so terrible actually. Ready meals. Friends you’ve neglected. Family pets. Self-sufficiency is overrated sometimes. I’ll look back upon that statement in September and probably disagree, but for now having to sneak into my room drunk at night is a fair trade for the stability being someone’s child offers.
Sex. Not going to be having much of it under this roof I’m afraid.
So begins the summer, but before I get ahead of myself I should probably give you a retrospective view into what’s been going on since I’ve been gone.
1st Week of May:
Began talking to Grey and casually hanging out. Mostly includes nights in the JCR playing pub games and drinking non-alcoholic beverages in preparation for exams. We hang out mostly with the supervision of mutual friends.
2nd Week of May:
Still hanging out with Grey quite casually and yet very frequently.
I have a date planned with one of the SBs (Shag Buddies, keep up), but begin dreading it the day before. The date has been called off and rescheduled too many times for me to pull out and since nothing has actually happened with Grey, I don’t cancel. Four hours before said date, I’m hanging out with Grey, praying SB cancels. Three hours before the date SB cancels for some reason I’ve forgotten. I spend the rest of the day with Grey and decide to decline all subsequent offers from SB in the immediate future.
3rd Week of May:
I don’t have a shag-date as such, but have been planning a dinner and movie night with a friend whom I have slept with once or twice. It was ages ago. He has a girlfriend now, and we’ve moved seamlessly into platonic friendship as of about a year ago. His name will be Leonberger, or Berg for short. The Leonberger breed is one of the biggest breeds of dog I could find that had an interesting and appropriate name for Berg. The size refers to one anatomical feature in particular.
The back story to Berg is not so interesting as such, but it involved him liking me for quite some time, a time during which I had a boyfriend. Once I was single we had a short go of it, but I was regrettably still hung up on my The Ex, so things between Berg and I didn’t go so well. He ended up dating a lovely girl with whom he is still with and they are very happy, so hurrah for them. I mean that in complete sincerity, as Berg is absolutely one of my best friends and the sweetest boy you could ever hope to meet. That said, to define what happened between the two of us as ‘sex’ would be an overstatement, as I don’t think I’m actually tall enough to ride that ride. His new girlfriend is even smaller than I am though, which always makes me wonder …
Anyhow, back to May 2010. Berg and I grab some beers, burn our dinner while chatting and drinking and neglecting the oven, and eventually order pizza. Mid-dinner I get a text from Dill.
Dill: 20:31 Sitting up on the terrace with few beers if you fancy joining
Thirteen minutes later I got a text from Grey.
Grey: 20:44 I’m putting the kettle on, want to come over?
I wrote Grey back.
Me: 21:09 Sorry I just got your text. I’m having dinner with a friend.
Grey: 21:10 I hope for your friend’s sake that you’ve ordered take-away.
Now, I am not a bad chef. I just neglect certain aspects of cooking at times. Such as how long to actually cook something. It took me a solid half an hour to admit I had burnt the dinner I made, after which Grey reiterated his doubts in my cooking abilities. But in the meantime I wrote back to Dill.
Me: 21:11 Just having dinner with a friend. Thanks for the invite though. What are you up to later? x
Dill: 21:13 Duno what we’re up to later. Probably just more drinking. Let us know
Me: 21:34 Sweet. I’ll give you a shout later x
I continued my dinner and movie date with Berg. It was a film we’ve both seen together numerous times before, and yet we never cease to recite the movie to each other and then proceed to text each other the quotes for the subsequent week.
Berg had to get up early to get to his labs so he left around half eleven. I texted Grey and when I didn’t get an immediate answer I called Dill as I said I would.
‘Alright dahhhhlin?’
‘Al-right. What are you doing?’ I asked, laughing at his stupid greeting.
‘Nothing. Fancy a pint?’
My phone buzzed while it was pressed to my ear but I didn’t bother to see what it was. I gave into Dill’s invite.
‘Yeah alright then.’
When I got to the pub Dill had ordered himself a drink. ‘Oh, cheers for the drink you dick.’ I said as I walked to the bar.
‘Umm, I think you actually owe me a pint.’
‘I don’t think I do.’
He sighed heavily and then said, ‘Fine then, what do you want?’
‘No, no. Don’t worry about me, I’ll get it. It’s too late. You’ve missed your chance.’
‘What? Missed my chance to waste money on buying you a drink?’
I ordered my drink and then we went to sit and chat about nothing in particular. It was good to be able to hang out with him again. We hadn’t properly spent time together since before our massive row that his girlfriend walked in on, and despite having made up it still hadn’t quite brought us back to friendship status.
The bar was closing and we finished up our drinks.
‘What now?’ It was getting late and I wasn’t sure there should really be a part two to our pub plan, but I asked anyway.
‘Actually I think my window is wide open. I should probably close it before some burglar comes along. Fancy a walk to mine?’
No, no I did not. ‘Eh, it’s a bit late, I should probably head home.’
‘Yeah true.’ Dill looked at his watch and pretended to be surprised at the time. ‘Yeah, shit. It’s late. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’
‘Goodnight.’ We did our awkward pause, then quick, but a bit too aggressive, kiss on the cheek that always left me with a bit of stubble rash.
As I walked away from the pub and towards home I pulled my phone out, having forgotten about the text that came through while I was on the phone to Dill.
Grey: 23:48 What are you up to? I’m bored.
Shit. I quickly texted him back, despite having neglected his question for about half an hour.
Me: 00:19 Just finishing up a movie. Fancy meeting in the JCR in a bit?
I don’t know why I lied. I wasn’t watching a movie.
Grey: 00:20 It’s a bit late for the JCR don’t you think?
Me: 00:21 Hang out with me! I’ve just finished the movie.
Again, not watching a movie. The lie had begun though and I had to cover it up with more unnecessary and banal lies.
Grey: 00:22 You could come read me a bedtime story or something.
This was the most flirtatious he had ever been via text message. I was definitely curious about the ‘or something.’
In the meantime Dill texted me again.
Dill: 00:28 Yeah so my window was well open. I’d have blamed you if my laptop had been stolen! Thanks for the drinks, you off to bed then? x x x
Shit. I immediately regretted the open question as to what Dill was doing for the rest of the night. I responded to Grey.
Me to Grey: 00:30 If by ‘or something’ you mean come to mine and watch a movie, then yes that could work.
While I waited for Grey’s response I decided to shut down any possible confusion with Dill
Me to Dill: 00:31 Yeah it’s a bit late, I think I’ll just head to bed. Talk to you later x x
Dill: 00:32 Yeah probably best, laters x x
Grey: 00:32’30 Ok. I’ll be there in a minute
I made the right choice. That was the night that all ambiguity over what was going on between Grey and I disappeared and we spent many subsequent nights ‘watching movies’ at mine.
From that point onwards, it was as if some massive signal went off to every boy I have ever been even remotely involved with that I was no longer single, and thus they should all get in touch with me.
The day after the above incident T called to say that he had bought tickets to a concert and asked if I wanted to go. It was close to my first exam so I politely declined without any further explanation necessary.
The Shag Buddy who had cancelled on me a couple weeks before texted me to wish me luck in the exams and said we would have to get together once I was finished. I did not text back.
End of May to June
Exam time. Don’t remember anything except all-nighters during which I crammed in as much information as possible in the remaining hours I had before exams. Having someone to have coffee and breakfast with and to listen to my constant whinging, and to (of course) have sex with consistently with helped immensely during this period.
One incident that does stick out during this stressful time involved Dill. I ran into him as he was off to a formal dinner. I had been having a particularly stressful day and he said he’d call me when he got back to college and grab a drink in the JCR if it wasn’t too late.
At eleven fifty-two my phone rang. Grey had texted to say he was going to be about an hour earlier so I knew it wasn’t him. Dill’s face popped up on the screen.
‘Hellooo?’
‘Hey! Alright?’ He was hammered.
‘Um, yes. I am alright. Are you alright?’
‘Yeah I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.’ His voice went up an octave each time he said okay, indicating that he was probably far from okay. ‘Uhhh, whatch doin?’
‘I’m revising.’
‘Oh right. Um, should I come over? Are you okay? Wanna chat a bit?’ As previously mentioned (as in a previous blog entry I believe), I had been having a hard time with some things and Dill had been there to help me through it. The backstory is too long and too personal, but basically his calls weren’t completely out of the blue.
‘Yeah alright, just for a couple minutes though.’
‘I’m outside your door.’
‘What?’
‘I’m outside-’ he knocked loudly ‘-your door.’
‘Oh, okay.’ I walked to the door, opened it, and was greeted immediately by Dill tripping his way over the doorstep and into my residence. Fantastic. Nothing bad could come of this.
‘Alright treacle?’ He slurred.
‘Yeah, I’m fine … How much have you had to drink?’
‘Pfffff,’ he said as he stood there thinking. ‘A lot.’
‘Right, come on then.’
We went into my room and he put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah I’m much better.’
‘Good.’ Before he could finish pronouncing the ‘d’ in ‘good’ he had begun a backwards fall onto my bed, passing out as soon as his head hit the mattress. I shrugged and went back to revising. The least I could do was let him sleep off some of the alcohol for awhile.
I sat at my desk, revising and checking facebook, occasionally looking at my clock, trying to decide an appropriate time to kick Dill out. I considered calling Grey, but then thought better of it, deciding he might not see the humour in the situation. He would eventually see the humour in what was about to happen though.
At approximately two in the morning Dill began stirring in my bed. Finally, I thought, he’s going to get the hell out. He sat up, looked at me and announced, ‘I need a slash.’
‘Okay, well you know where the bathroom is.’
‘Right. Right. Be right back.’
Don’t bother, I thought. Go to the bathroom and then just find your way out. He didn’t.
Dill managed his way off of my bed and stumbled towards the door. How he got more drunk as he slept is beyond me, but he did. Quite a bit of time passed before I realised that my front door had not opened and closed, which would have been an indication that Dill had retreated for the loo. Rather, all of a sudden I heard a very distinct sound. A sound which was reminiscent of spraying something with a hose.
I turned around from my notes, looking towards my door to find, to my disgust, that Dill had decided that my door proved to be a sufficient urinal. Yes. Dill was pissing on my door. Fan. Tastic.
This whole predicament would not have been so horrible had my laundry not been directly next to the door and thus in the direct crossfire of Dill’s piss. Great.
As soon as I realised what was happened I jumped up from my desk. ‘Dill! What. The. FUCK?!’
‘Alright, alright, it’s alright dahlin.’
‘THIS IS NOT ALRIGHT!’
Dill had turned towards me to have a conversation but had not ceased to piss and thus peed throughout the entirety of this exchange. Needless to say, the next day was filled with apologies and Febreeze. I had retreated from my room and to Grey’s for the night, but the damage was done. Dill had marked his territory all over my clothing and floor.
Post-Exams
A lot of my time was spent with Grey. However on one night in particular I received a text from Rugby Blue.
‘Hey you, are you out? x x’
I was. Wasn’t sure if I wanted to be “out” though.
‘Yeah, just at ******, where are you?’
‘On my way there actually. Stay putt miss x x’
Ugh I hated being called ‘Miss’ and thus decided to leave immediately. As fortune would have though, it I ran into him on my way out.
‘There you are!’ he said, kissing me on both cheeks.
‘Heyyyy,’ I said, feigning enthusiasm, ‘good to see you!’ I wanted to retreat as soon as possible.
‘We’re about to go inside, please come in for a drink.’
Damn. I had successfully ignored him for a couple months, but I suppose the least I could do was let him buy me a drink. ‘Okay, one drink.’
One drink it was, but I ended up talking to an Old Blue who wasn’t so old, but was tagging along. He was extremely attractive and took an immediate liking to me for whatever reason.
‘Where are you off to tonight?’
I had plans to meet up with Grey. ‘Well, just off to my college really.’
‘Great, I’ll come with you.’
No! ‘Hmm, not sure that’s the best idea.’
‘No?’ No!! ‘Why not?’ No immediate reasons came to mind. Except for one which started with a G.
‘Well my college is getting ready for the summer ball and under total lockdown security-wise.’ Total lie. No college is under total lockdown. Ever.
‘Can’t I sneak in?’
Fuck off! ‘I really don’t think so, no.’ I don’t know what my aversion to saying “Actually I have a boyfriend, I’m sorry” was, but I couldn’t’ do it. Why limit future possibilities?
‘Can I just do one thing?’ Old Rugby Blue asked.
‘What?’
‘This,’ he said, leaning towards me and kissing me.
Had he been good at kissing this may have gone in a different direction. However, ORB had this slow, wet, and overall cringe-worthy kiss. There was nothing redeemable about it.
‘Mm, that was nice.’ I lied. ‘But I really have to go,’ that was truth.
‘Right now? Are you sure I can’t come with you?’
‘I’m so sorry, but I really don’t think you can get in.’ He could. I just wouldn’t let that happen.
‘Okay, well I’ll miss you.’ Blehhh. I wanted to chunder. ‘Call me?’ Then he kissed me with his gross, wet, long kiss.
‘Yeah sounds good.’ Sounded awful. ‘Bye.’
I ran back to college where Grey was patiently waiting.
~
Recently I’ve been watching the second season of ‘Secret Diary of London Call Girl’ and panicking that, as Alex found Belle out, that Grey is going to find me out. The single life of an anonymous blogger is quite easy. The life of an anonymous blogger with a boyfriend gets quite difficult. Alone-time is essentially non-existent, hence my prolonged absence. I don’t regret what I was doing in the inbetween time, but there were quite a few times when I had to boyfriend proof my life. This meant erasing any hint of my alter-ego on my computer. Internet history, saved usernames and passwords, all of it. Gone. Any trace of the blog in my phone – a blogging app, the twitter app, the note in my phone containing the passwords to everything. Gone. Luckily I chose a universal password for everything, or else I would been without a clue as to how to log into anything.
A lot of people asked me in the past if me getting a boyfriend meant the end of the blog. Well, no. No it does not. Because there was a lot happening before him. However, I do respect him and our relationship enough not to blog about it. It exists, it’s good, and that’s all anyone in the great vast world wide web needs to know.
For the time being I’m going to retrospectively tell you about some great stories I’ve been saving for a rainy day. Too bad the weather has been so fantastic. It will probably start raining soon though, and I have a lot to tell. I’m sorry this entry lacks a certain element of, well, sex, but it’s what has been going on in my life. I think I might finally be ready to tell you about The Ex. It’s a very long and unhappy story, but it did involve a lot of sex. Too bad some of that sex was between him and other girls while we were together.
Being cheated on, having bad relationships, all these things are not what drove me to write this blog. Dane and many other boys happened well before this Ex. Men will be boys. I could entertain you for months with stories of The Ex, and now that he is definitely An Ex I have absolutely no hesitations about writing about him.
For now though, I am very happy. I am also very bored. I have a lot of time on my hands, so I plan to give you much more than a bi-monthly entry. Thank you for your patience. I’ll be back soon.
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